.A Letter To Daddy.

My friend at church named Chelsea has written a few blog entries about/to her dad who died back in January of this year, and it has really made me think about my own dad a lot lately.

I'm 90% sure my dad was saved before he passed away from this earth, so if I'm correct, he's partying like crazy with the Lord and all our loved ones that have passed. When we die, I believe we don't think about everyone we love and know here on earth. We are so engulfed by God and everything surrounded by us in Heaven that earth has completely left our minds.

So, Daddy, I know you won't be reading this letter, but if you were able to, this is what I would say.

I miss you so much. You don't know how much we all have missed you since you've passed. Everyone was left with a huge void that was vast and confusing to deal with. Everyone came from all over to visit you during your last few days. I'm not sure if you were consious to the point of at least hearing us in the room with you, but I hope you were, because everyone was there, holding your hand and talking with you. Trace and everyone else from the radio station came to see you and jokingly gripe about how you weren't at work, lol. Mr. Mark came and told you that you would pull anything to get him to come up and visit you. You squeezed his hand after he said that, so we think you heard him at least. We didn't know what to do, Daddy. We were so lost as to what was the best for you. We knew you wouldn't want to be on life support, and we knew that you wouldn't dare want us to let you stay as a vegetable, as the doctors said you would be if you lived though this at all..

Those six days you were in the hospital was terrible for us. I got sick to my stomach every morning before leaving to go to the hospital to be with you. We all were sick from stress. Mary and Poppop came and stayed with us. Even Uncle Shirly and Aunt Barbra came, and I know you hadn't seen them in forever, nor had we.

Daddy, if only we had known God better than we did. The only way I knew of Him was the stories you told me about Him. If only I knew about how we can lay hands and heal the sick and dying in an instant. Daddy, I've grown so close with the Lord. I was fallen away very far there for a while, after you were gone. You were the only one in my life besides Mary and Poppop that told me anything about God. After you left, we never saw Mary and Poppop that much, nor did I know anyone that knew about God. So He eventually became non existant in my life. About five or six years later I finally came back to Him and am truly happy now, never to fall away again.

Daddy.. it was so hard to see you go. I remember the phone call my mom and Mary got from the hospital, telling your time of death. 8:16 pm, January 20th, 1999. I was in denial. Katie barely remembers anything because she was so young. She loved you and missed you, but I don't think she truly understood until later on down the road. After your death, the radio station held a huge get together out in the Academy parking lot and had the local hockey team play on roller blades with the kids, and even had the cancer awareness people come out and talk about how to catch cancer early, and not let it happen by surprise like it did with you. It was all over the radio stations. Everyone was there for you, Daddy, in your honor. It was bittersweet.

I was in denial until several months later. I was always expecting you to come through the door and say the hospital made a mistake, and that you were perfectly fine. You never came through the door. You never came back. After several months, I finally knew for certain you would never return to us.

At the age of 22 I got married to a wonderful man named Thomas Macias. Daddy, you would have loved him. He's the most wonderful man I could ever have as my husband. He's an artist like me. He's wonderful at graphic design. We got married on your birthday to honor you, Daddy. I know you couldn't be there to walk me down the isle or see the beautiful wedding. Poppop walked me down the isle in your place, and was honored. Daddy, did you know that you're a grandfather now? We were blessed with a beautiful son right before I turned 23. It happened to us sooner than expected after we got married, but I wouldn't change it for the world. Oh, he's beautiful, Daddy. He looks like both of us. He's already big for his age, a day over seven months. He's going to be a big guy like Thomas. Like you, too.

We live up in Amarillo, Texas. Just two hours north of your hometown. I moved up here to go to college to further my artistic talant (also where I met Thomas). You were always a huge supporter of my art, and I wasn't able to finish college at the time, but I promise I'm going to finish once I get a little more money under my belt. My talent has soared, Daddy. I want so much to show you my artistic accomplishments. I know you would be blown away by my abilities now compared to the stuff I was able to draw when you were still alive. Ma and Katie are still in Abilene. Ma has since remarried and is happy. Everyone has to move on at some point. It's hard but it's healthy. I'm sure you understand. Katie is still in her angsty teen stage, but she'll find out it's not all that bad soon. Ma is doing really good, and held strong after what happened with you. They still have lots of animals, and always will. Jo Jo and Cookie are the only ones still alive from the group we had when you were alive. I know Cookie still misses you. She still refuses to be around any males, except for Thomas, whom she cautiously accepted over a period of time. Cookie hissed and tried to attack the two paramedics that were wheeling you out of the house that morning you collapsed. You were already almost into a full coma when that was going on.

That was the scariest morning of our entire lives.

Daddy.. I cannot emphesize enough how much we miss you. I still think about you every day. We already had our first year wedding anniversary, and honored you along with our first wedding milestone, as we will with every anniversary to come. That's how I wanted it. That's I was willing to have our wedding in the middle of the work week so we could have it on your birthday. Thomas tells me how much he would have loved to have gotten to meet you. I know you two would have liked each other.

I've probably left something out, but I think I've given you a good update.

I love you, Daddy. I miss you too. I cannot wait until the day we all get to party right along with you in Heaven with our Lord God.

Love,
Jenny